Have you ever woken up feeling out of sorts? That’s the way I woke up this morning. I woke up after having a strange dream. I actually woke up in a sweat. I was so angry in the dream. And hurt – heart ache not physically. Someone had done me wrong and I didn’t know how to fix it. And I thought my friends were laughing at me too. It’s hard to shake off a dream like that. Usually I don’t remember dreams, but this one happened at the point of my waking up. It felt like it took forever to get out of that dream. So I woke up feeling sweaty and perplexed. Not a good way to start the morning.
Because of the way I felt this morning, it was hard sitting down for my quiet time; especially controlling my wayward thoughts. There’s restlessness in my spirit. Although my dream caused some of these unsettled emotions, most of this is coming because of my Dad’s health. He’s not doing well and I don’t think God is going to fix it this time at least on this side of heaven.
The dream may have been a way for me to express anger I didn’t know I was holding within me. Am I angry? I didn’t think so but anger comes out through times of grieving. Am I grieving? Probably, but I have been grieving for the last two plus years. My Dad hasn’t been right since he had an infection a couple of January’s ago. Since that time, we haven’t had a decent conversation nor has he been able to do anything he would normally do.
I know this is part of the process of growing older. Parents get sick and die. We children have to deal with it the best we can. It’s the order of life and death – the way it’s supposed to be. When the order is reversed, it’s harder. When loved ones die that are not meant to die before their time, that is the hardest. Either way, death is hard to deal with – even when it’s expected.
Time is short. Scripture tells us we are like grass that withers and dies. No one but God knows how long we are given to live out this life. Our days are already numbered at the first breath. God knows the beginning and the end of us. He has seen it all. Scripture also tells us to count our days – make the most of the time we have. We are not to withhold forgiveness or anger or even love. We are to forgive everyone who has wronged us. We are not supposed to go to bed angry. And we are told to love everyone – even our enemies. Life is short. Conflict with anyone needs to be resolved now.
Some of my thoughts this morning have been about my time with my Mom in her last month of her life. There were many meaningful moments in that time. We shared healing conversations. We had those moments of expressing love, seeking forgiveness and thoughts of the future. It was a sweet time. I am a bit sad that I won’t have this kind of time with my Dad. We express things differently between us. Mom and I had that girl thing going on.
However, the time I have spent with my Dad over the last few years has been sweet as well. Dad loves me – he has shown this throughout my life. I don’t need his assurance of that fact. I know it within my heart. My time with my Dad over the last couple of years has been just sitting with him; being close and that’s enough for us. Everything has been said that needs to be said. This is the time of just resting in that love.
When I sat down this morning for my quiet time, I didn’t have the words to express in a coherent way. I didn’t have to express my heart to Him. He already knows what I am feeling. I sat with Him and read His Word. My earthly Dad gave me an understanding of a good heavenly Father who loves me beyond my imagination. There was nothing my Dad won’t do for me. Dad has taught me many things throughout the years, but I will always be grateful for showing me the heavenly Father as a loving Dad.
The same way a loving father feels toward his children—
that’s but a sample of your tender feelings toward us,
your beloved children, who live in awe of you.
You know all about us, inside and out.
You are mindful that we’re made from dust.
Our days are so few, and our momentary beauty
so swiftly fades away!
Then all of a sudden we’re gone,
like grass clippings blown away in a gust of wind,
taken away to our appointment with death,
leaving nothing to show that we were here.
But Lord, your endless love stretches
from one eternity to the other,
unbroken and unrelenting toward those who fear you
and those who bow facedown in awe before you.
Your faithfulness to keep every gracious promise you’ve made
passes from parents, to children, to grandchildren, and beyond.
You are faithful to all those who follow your ways
and keep your word.
Psalm 103:13-18 (TPT)